If It’s Meant To Be, It’ll Be. Baby, Just Let It Be

It’s been 6 weeks since my last blog post. That means over 12 weeks since my last radiation treatment. 14 weeks since my last chemotherapy treatment. Almost 9 months since my surgery. And 10 months since this all started. I wonder, when does the clock star for the “after five years you are considered in remission”? In some ways it all seems so far in the past. And sometimes I’m reminded it’s not in the past at all.

I had to drive up to Sloan in Holmdel last Thursday for an EKG and some x-rays on my back and spine. I’ve had some numbness in my legs and still sometimes feel like my heart rate is too high for what I’m doing. Routine tests, but it made me wonder how I went back and forth so many times for my treatments. Each trip brought so much possible harm to the rest of my body, along with the hope that it would erase all the remnants of cancer that could potentially be loose in my body. I wonder just how much my ability to disconnect my mind from my body when things get tough helped me here.

Well I didn’t get exactly the message I wanted to get in connection with the tests, or the news I wanted to have to be patient about. EKG looks normal, good news. Bones look good, that’s great. But…. Yea, there was a but. “The radiologist noted an intense structure in the retroperitoneal area (likely representing bowel content). Dr. Traina would like to follow up with a ultrasound. Not worrisome.” Of course it’s a holiday weekend. First appointment that’s available is at noon on Tuesday. And I don’t know when I will get the results, I doubt it will be right away. I got this news after I started this blog post, and after I decided on the title. So there you go, no coincidences.

[I won’t post this till after I know what’s going on, but wanted to finish writing my thoughts down.]

I went about my life as best I could, and pretty much kept the news to myself. Told one friend and got good counsel – “Will it help if you worry?” I decided it wouldn’t help if anyone else worried so the New Years weekend went as planned – workouts, time with family and friends, and tried for not too much negative time in my head.

Tuesday at noon finally came. Not much of a wait at Sloan in Middletown before I got called in for the ultrasound. The technician seemed to take a lot of pictures, this scared me. After what seemed like forever she said “I’m going to check these with the doctor but I don’t see anything. Could you have taken any tablets before you came in last week?” Well yea — synthroid, enzalutamide, and five different vitamins! Well, to make a long story a little shorter – after a consult with the doctor about the ultrasound I’m told “there is absolutely nothing to worry about”. And confirmation today from my oncologist’s office. “Nothing to worry about … all good :)”

So as I have known since the first diagnosis, it’s never going to be truly gone. And what can I do about that — nothing. Just live each moment I have to the fullest, and share my journey in the process. Here’s to 2018 — to health and happiness and accomplishing the goals I’ve set.

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