Author: moirahoran

I have no patience to just sit back and wait for things to happen.  Chemotherapy #6 was coming up and I really wanted to get my radiation schedule set. So I took advantage of the option on the MSK portal to message my radiation oncologist and got a quick return phone call. And just like that, there is an end date.  Radiation appointments are now officially on the calendar with a final treatment scheduled on September 25 at 8 AM. Just about eight weeks to go, but who’s counting? I’m excited that my schedule will no longer be controlled by doctor appointments.  For someone who’s never been sick before, this has been difficult, to say the least.

Doesn’t leave much “wiggle room” to do much of anything but make sure I’m ready for the next day’s treatment.  I still sometimes feel like I am looking at myself from an out of body perspective – is all this really about me?

I’m also still struggling with my limitations.  I get tired, well it’s not really just tired.  It’s a different kind of fatigue. Kind of like the way I’ve felt in the weeks after an Ironman.  But like all the other side effects, it’s not so tough to take most of the time, and I’ve learned to adapt.  They are all temporary.  I hope.   Until I tried to put on my wetsuit, the day after chemotherapy.  The neuropathy hadn’t flared up, yet.  The cold therapy during treatment and the Celebrex had helped immensely.

Until I put on my wetsuit to swim on Wednesday after we arrived. Let’s just say that the little voice in the back of my head that every once in a while suggested I was a wimp for not continuing on with training for Lake Placid was quieted right then and there.   I have a very high pain tolerance.  Let’s just say that by the time my wetsuit was half on I was close to tears, and if there hadn’t been other people around I would have just cried. I swam the rest of the week in Mirror Lake in just my swim skin, much easier to put on.  Fortunately, the weather and water temperatures made that manageable.

There were so many high points to our week in Lake Placid I don’t really know where to start.  Maybe I should just leave it at that — I love being there at pretty much any time and I especially love the energy of race week.  I really made an effort to not overdo it, I wanted to make sure I conserved energy for race day and especially working at the finish line till midnight.  First up, we ran into a long time good acquaintance who lives in the area.  He shared his good news with us — he had just won $5,000 a week for life!  Couldn’t be happier to hear about good things happening to good people.  Well, I could be happier, if it was me 🙂

Next up, I finally got to meet my friend Kelly and Ryan’s adorable daughter Ivy in person, otherwise known as Little Ivy Otter!  I’ve been watching her grow up on social media but it was so awesome to finally get to hold her, and to pinch her cheeks!  It was great to be able to support and cheer for Ivy’s dad, Ryan Heisler, and to be at the finish line to watch him cross.  Ryan’s race report is quite moving, and I’m touched to know that I helped in some small way to make his journey to that finish line possible.  The week continued to be invigorating for me, it’s always great to see so many old and new friends.

Before our Women for Tri meet-up, I did catch up with Mike Reilly (otherwise known as the “Voice of Ironman) for the best picture of the week!

So many more highlights and memories made over the week — dinner with my Coeur Sports team, my friend and teammate Amy winning for the second time as first female at IRONMAN Lake Placid (with a 9:46 at 40 years old I might add!), my friend and one of my training partners, Ben, finishing his first IRONMAN and beating my best swim, bike and overall finish times . . . . . but not my best run, Ben (there’s always next year LOL!) . . . . and just more than I can even remember at the moment.

I’ll leave this with being so grateful for an amazing workout this morning with one of my favorite people to train and just hang out with.  Ran will always be faster than me, but always pushes me to be just that much better, and all I need to do is make sure I push him to get out the door.  This morning I felt that little bit of the “old me” that’s still in there in spite of all the drugs and treatments and the like.  Yes, just in time to start the two-week cycle all over again.  Tomorrow is #7 of 8 and how amazing and exciting and awesome is that???

1. The relative peace and quiet of life outside of NYC.  Jackhammers, buses, taxis, too many people, helicopters and more on my walk back to the ferry.  I don’t miss New York.
2. Living close to NYC.  I have access to some of the world series best cancer specialists at Memorial Sloan Kettering.
3. Being a triathlete.  It’s given me the discipline to follow a plan, it’s kept my heart and lungs healthy. It’s made the pain in my hands and feet that much more tolerable, since I’ve caused far more discomfort to myself, and paid a lot of money to do it.
4. My love of healthy eating.  Seriously, I love fresh vegetables.  I love organic food, I’d eat raw vegan if I had the time and the money!  Well, maybe except for the occasional hot dog, beer, or glass of wine.
5. My hair.  I said to Bryan the other day that one thing I never imagined was that one day I’d be bald.  I really don’t mind how I look with no hair.  Or, maybe I’m just delusional about how I look.  All I know is that’s hats, scarves, wigs, etc. would not be fun in the summer.
6. The NYC Fire Department.   I’m blessed to have good insurance.  I was reminded of this again today when I checked on some prescriptions I need.  Although my copayment is a bit over $100, without insurance just one prescription would have been over $600. And let’s not forget that $5,500 injection I give myself every other week after chemotherapy for a grand total of $44,000!  Combined with a program from Amgen the cost to me is only $25 for two injections.  A special thank you to my friend Kelly for all you do with Amgen and Breakaway From Cancer.
7. Good veins.  As I head into treatment #6 of 8 tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll ever look at those veins in my left hand and left arm the same.  They’ve taken a lot, and still have a bit to go but I haven’t had an issue yet.  A solid four plus hours with an IV needle in my arms does leave a mark, though.
8. An amazing network of friends and acquaintances.  I can’t say enough about this.  Everything means so much, even though I may not always say so.  All the cards, the thoughtful gifts, the visits, remembering to call and ask me if I want to swim or ride or run, and so much more reminds me of all I have to be grateful for.
9. My family.  Nothing ever takes the place of family.
10. Being raised Catholic.  I take great comfort in my beliefs.  I don’t feel I have the words to say any more than that.  Each time I go into NYC by myself I stop in St. Patrick’s Cathedral.  And while I may not have always remembered to say thank you when life was good, I do stop each morning and read from a book that my friend Amy suggested I read.  I take a few minutes each morning, usually on my front porch with my coffee and read the day’s reading from “The Power of Being Thankful” by Joyce Meyer.  365 Devotions for Discovering the Strength of Gratitude.  I’m still grateful and find more and more to be grateful for each day.

I just need to get through tomorrow — labs (I wonder where my blood levels are at now?), a visit with my chemotherapy oncologist, treatment #6 (which means there are only two more left) and then I can finish packing, wake up on Wednesday and head up to Lake Placid!  I’m so looking forward to meeting up with some of the Women for Tri community in person, watching my friends race, and doing my part to make sure everyone hears the words “You are an Ironman”!

Another two weeks of ups and downs.  On one of my runs last week, as I struggled to manage my heart rate on an easy and very slow effort run, I realized just how much work I will have ahead of me once treatment ends.  I really haven’t had a good season of racing for quite a while.  During 2015 and then 2016 I happily made my focus about my daughter and her wedding.  This was supposed to be “my year”.  Well, we all know how 2017 is going.

As I thought about getting back to my previous level of fitness I realized that it would be best to get myself a coach to work with.  It’s been a very long time since I worked with a coach for myself, not since the 2007 season  The first person who came to mind is someone I’ve gotten to know because of the Coeur Sports Ambassador Team that I’m part of — Sonja Wieck, the founder of Rising Tide Triathlon Coaching.

I’m staying active, swimming between 2,000 and 2,500 meters about three times a week, running about three times a week and biking twice.  While I am grateful that I am able to get out and do these things, and I accept that my body is fighting more important battles at the moment, it’s sometimes frustrating and even a bit depressing to see how slow I am when I compare myself to what I was able to do before my surgery in April.

Some pics, just because I can still find time for me to enjoy the summer.  Everyone should have this much fun at an 80th birthday party!  Happy birthday, Lou Hansen.

Fun with Louie and John at Louie’s 80th birthday party. I want a party just like this when I’m 80!

Bryan and I enjoying the party

Louie and “Marilyn”, the hit of the night.

On the treatment front, I survived the first 4 rounds of chemotherapy and 5 is coming up this Wednesday.  I have had minimal side effects to the “AC” (Doxorubicin and Cyclophosphamide) portion of my treatment.  A change came last Saturday when I woke up with horrible sensations in my feet and even worse in my hands.  The only way I can describe it is that my feet felt like I had run a really hard marathon and my hands felt like I had carried too many of those plastic supermarket shoppings bags that were heavy.  Not life-altering but definitely a difficulty.  A couple of times it was so bad I found myself with a headache as a result.  Calls to the doctor’s office led me to learn that there really isn’t much that can be done about it, I just have to suffer through the temporary neuropathy.  When asked by the doctor’s office if I was in pain, I couldn’t say yes — I’ve done much worse to myself by my own doing in the past, and quite often I’ve paid a lot of money to do so.  The only possible treatment offered was acupuncture, which I had scheduled for last Thursday with my long time friend, Shelby Sickles of Harmonious Balance.  The neuropathy in my feet is greatly minimized and my hands are better, although the right still bothers me more than the left hand.   I realize all this can change once we have another round of chemo, but I’ve scheduled acupuncture for once a week at least through the rest of my treatments, the last of which is on August 15.

Which brings me to treatment #5 this coming Wednesday.  This starts the switch to the Taxol (Paclitataxel) treatments.  The actual “drip” part of this treatment is much longer than the first four of AC which had been described as taking an hour, but in reality was more like two hours in the room and an hour and a half with an IV in my arm.  Lots of questions floating around in my head:  will I be one of the “rare” patients who are allergic to the drug?  Apparently, Taxol can cause a very quick and severe reaction if I am allergic.  So much so that first I’ll be heavily dosed with Benadryl and then have a nurse sitting in the room at the ready just in case.  Add to that the fact that I truly don’t remember the last time I sat still for four or even three hours and it’s all something I just can’t wait to start.  And yes, I am being sarcastic.  I actually had a thought today on my run — I wonder if I could bring my bike and a trainer to pass the time?  I mentioned this to Bryan, he just shook his head and said no.

More “good” news to add — continuing in my “GSD” fashion, I’ve managed to get my radiation set-up and treatments on the calendar.  The “simulation” appointment is on August 21st and my first of 20 rounds of radiation will start on August 28th.  Twenty business days of treatments should bring this all to a close on September 25th.   Radiation brings a whole other set of risks and issues, but I’ll deal with them after I see how this Wednesday goes and how “lucky” I continue to be.

Something I am truly looking forward to — a trip to Lake Placid to spectate at IRONMAN Lake Placid.  Yes, this is the race I had planned on doing this year and was looking forward to training for with my friend Ben.  That training together didn’t happen except for some swim workouts, with abbreviated distances and pacing on my part.  But, I’ll be there to cheer for him and so many other friends.  I also hope to get some swims and bikes and runs while I’m there, maybe even a paddle or two.   But, I am especially excited that I will still be able to work with Mike Reilly at the finish line, doing my part to make sure that everyone who crosses that finish line hears the magic words “You are an Ironman!”

It’s been the best of days, it’s been the worst of days.  Let me look at the best first.  Yesterday was my daughter and son-in-law’s first wedding anniversary.  There is truly nothing more that a mother wants than to see their children happy.  Bryan and I are blessed to spend a lot of time with Mary and Ryan.  No life is ever perfect, but it’s a joy to see a young couple who are building a strong future together.  This past weekend was another gift — we had a great time at the Mets game on Saturday hanging out with Mary’s new best friend Ronnie Darling followed by Chinatown for dinner and a foot rub.  We spent a bonus day together on Sunday lounging by our club’s pool with some sun, lunch and cocktails.    I spent Monday at Sloan Kettering, meeting with the dermatologist and the integrative medicine department.  Lots of good information, but an overwhelming sense again today of I just don’t want to be doing this.  Insurance nonsense, like coverage denied for an eye drop that includes an applicator (which makes it cosmetic) but without the applicator it’s covered.  All that’s done is create days of delay in getting my prescription refilled.

More insurance nonsense — I’ve had trouble sleeping since chemo started.  Not surprising based on my treatment protocol I’ve been told.  And not harmful.  Acupuncture could help.  MSK has acupuncture practitioners.  They are “preferred” providers with my insurance company.  My insurance company doesn’t cover acupuncture but does offer a discount on preferred providers.  MSK acupuncture practitioners are not included as preferred providers.  There are lots of others listed but none connected with Sloan.

I’m feeling a bit pissy about all this tonight.  Neuropathy is one of many new side effects I need to be concerned with on the last four rounds of chemo (tomorrow is #4 and final of “AC”).  Apparently, Taxol brings a whole different set of issues.   My choice is to suffer through ice baths for my hands and feet in spite of my Reynauds to hopefully deter the neuropathy in my hands and feet which will seriously interfere with swimming, biking and running.  My plan — I can tolerate a lot of pain if it’s for a purpose.  So, I may just have to suffer through the Reynauds (temporary) to prevent the neuropathy.

Another day spent working on cancer-related issues.  Another day that I’d rather have spent doing something else.  But, to turn it around to the positive I guess I need to be grateful for insurance and all the things in my life that support me on this journey.  But, sometimes it just sucks and feels like time better spent doing something else.

Suggestion to my sleep issues.  Get offline a few hours before I go to sleep.  So, I’m giving myself an 8PM cutoff.  Which is now.  Check back in tomorrow, after some Honeymoon Ice Cream.

I’ve been trying to update my blog for over a week now.  So, before I fall into the trap I fell into a couple of years ago I am just going to put down what’s on my mind however it comes out.  I’ve been working on this since my second round of chemo, and I’m now coming up on a week after my third round.  

Here was the best news I heard from my chemo nurse on Thursday.  “If you haven’t had any side effects yet there is a very good chance you won’t have any.”

I’ve now made it through three of the four rounds of the first drugs (“AC”) and my side effects have been minimal to non-existent.  Well, except for losing my hair.  This was a much bigger deal to me before it actually happened than it was once it happened.  There was so much wondering about if and when it would happen and I couldn’t help but wonder what I would look like and how I would feel emotionally.  Now I’m just wondering how I will feel after each of the upcoming treatments.  One more of the “AC” and then four of the Taxol.  I’d love to feel no worse than I have so far. I was anxious to see my blood test results before chemo last Thursday.  Almost everything went up (that’s what the Neulasta injections do.)  The only thing that went down was my red blood cell count.  It started out on April 27 at 4.58, on June 8 it was 3.97.  The normal range is 4.00 to 5.2.  My chemo nurse said it was absolutely nothing to worry about.  I’ll keep trying to eat more of the foods that could possibly help, although I remember my oncologist saying that there was nothing that I could do that would impact these numbers.

This past Friday was nine weeks since my surgery.  The incision from the lumpectomy is healed over, and the incision from the lymph node seems to have finally stopped re-opening (keep your fingers crossed on that one, please!).  Eight weeks was when I was able to start running again.  So, baby steps — Friday was a 3-minute run / 1-minute walk from my home.  Monday in Lake Placid was a 5-minute run / 1-minute walk all the way around Mirror Lake.  Tuesday in a gentle rain I ran for 3 miles without stopping and felt great.  And Sunday here at the Jersey Shore absolutely sucked!  But, my friend and long time runner Mike told me not to stress about it — everyone had trouble running on Sunday because of the temps and the air quality.

I am so grateful that I was able to get away for a few days last week to one of my most favorite places to visit.  I have so many wonderful memories in Lake Placid, both from racing, from training and also just spending time here.  It felt so good to run on familiar roads — I left town on Route 86 towards Cobble Mountain Lodge. I knew that there were new owners and it was great to see so many improvements underway.  We stayed there for many, many wonderful trips to Lake Placid!  Left on Northwoods and up the hill that I’ve biked so many times.  The uphill didn’t kill me, and my heart rate stayed in a reasonable range.  Left again when I reached Mirror Lake Drive.  I remembered running and riding that stretch, and I was picturing the day that I’m back here racing again, and finishing up the run and heading towards the Oval for my finish.  That’s going to be a special day for sure!  I forced myself to stop at 3 miles and walked back to the hotel for my cool down.  I want to run again so I knew not to push it.

What I was really reminded of during the trip is what my friend Melissa posted — “what this sport has given me is so much more. It fills my life with so much – adventures, new challenges, beautiful places and new friendships.”  My friend Amy lives near Lake Placid and came to visit last Monday afternoon.  I still can’t find the words for her gift.

I met Amy and her daughter Ruby back in 2015 because we are both on the Coeur Sports team, that year she was first overall female at IRONMAN Lake Placid.  The beauty of this sport and this lifestyle is that we are all on the same journey.  And people like Amy understand what it all really means.

Fast forward to my chemo this past Thursday and a picture that has been a big hit on social media and among our friends.  I got set up for my treatment, my husband Bryan got up and asked “do you have a pillow?”  I said yes dear, I’m all set.  His response?  “No, I mean do you have a pillow for me?”  My nurse came in at that point and found him a pillow.   I’m grateful he was also able to get comfortable during treatment LOL!  

There’s so much more in my head and in my heart.  But, let’s get this posted and I’ll keep working on the next one.  I had quite a few amazing moments this weekend.  Several women from my club raced at Eagleman this past weekend — one of the races that was on my schedule.  Mary, who placed 5th in our age group, told me that she received many shout outs of go ‘Jersey Girl & do it for Moira Horan‘ from cyclists who passed her.  (Mary is more of a runner, but doing awesome on her bike!)  And Rachel, who’s on the board of Women for Tri with me and a new mother told me, in connection with her win at IRONMAN Boulder, 9 months after her son was born, that she “channeled some Moira strength”.

So there you go.  There’s a lot more in my head, and a lot more in my heart.  And I still every once in a while have a moment where I stop and can’t quite catch my breath about the enormity of all this.  But, I spent an amazing weekend with family and friends, and who really has anything more than today?

I caught sight of my shadow on Friday while walking Brody.  And I saw the shadow of a balding man with a bad combover trying to hide what was going on.  And I saw the wind taking chunks of my hair and sending it flying everywhere.  I went home and made another call to Christine at Depascal, it’s time to buzz the rest of my head.  Not totally bald yet, we left just a bit of stubble — sort of a Sinead O’Connor look.  I’ve found this step actually feels good.  It’s over and done, my hair is gone and I don’t have to wonder will it happen, when will it happen, how will I look?  I like it, and that’s a good thing because it’s going to be a while before I have hair again.

The big happening for this weekend was the Spring Lake 5 on Saturday, a hallmark of the start of summer here at the Jersey Shore.  For those of you not from this area — the Spring Lake Five is a 5-mile run held on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend in the town of Spring Lake, New Jersey.  It brings over 12,000 runners to this shore town with about 3,000 residents.  Spring Lake is only about 2 square miles so it’s really quite an event for the town.  I’ve been running it since the early 90s and it wasn’t until Saturday morning that I remembered what an important place this race has in my running and triathlon history.

I was a swimmer from an early age, and continued to swim through high school.  Well, until some of the parents on the team decided I wasn’t a good influence and I was kicked off the team.  It was twenty years before I started swimming again.  I certainly wasn’t a runner — I thought it was actually a pretty dumb thing to do.  Somewhere along the way I started smoking and would smoke up to two packs a day.  I did finally quit for the last time a few years after our daughter, Mary was born.  The last time I quit Bryan suggested I join a gym.  I was happily working out with weights but walking on the treadmill was getting a bit boring.

I remembered that there was some sort of running event connected with my favorite party of the summer at Peter and Diana Smith’s house.

Running seemed like a good idea, I could run before the party!  Well — the rest, as they say, is history.  I’ve run fast and I’ve run slow at this race.  I’ve had many goals for the race.  I’ve worked hard to be among the top 100 women finishers and earn a mug.  I’ve worked just as hard to be among the next group of female finishers and hoped for a rose when I crossed the finish line.  My all-time most prized accomplishment at the Spring Lake Five was to be the first female finisher at the Smith’s party and win the “Spring Lake 503” trophy, which I did in 1996.

The unwritten rule was that once you won you weren’t eligible to win again.

I still find that I have a certain amount of disconnect with what’s going on.  Bryan dropped Tricia, Karen, Nancy, Heather and me off at the race in the morning.  My hands were full walking towards Ocean Avenue.  I had a sweatshirt, my race belt with my number, my trucker hat and my phone in my hands.  I thought maybe I should just put the hat on.  But I stopped myself — I wanted a picture at the start line, and I didn’t want to have “hat head”.  Oh yea, I don’t have any hair.

And now I’ve walked the five miles.  I was blessed to have the company of my niece, Heather.  We walked and talked, and ended the day with over 14,000 steps each.  And I guess the competitor in both of us is still there, we were proud of the fact that we negative split.   And I’m grateful for the opportunity to have gotten to know her a little bit better.

All in all, a good day, a good weekend, and a good life.

Tuesday was a good day, at least in my new normal.  Bryan and I got into NYC stress free this time, taking the Seastreak Ferry and then walking the mile and a half to Sloan Kettering on East 66th Street.  I found out from two different people that Seastreak has an agreement with the American Red Cross — anyone who is commuting into NYC by ferry for cancer treatments is eligible for a very nice discount on a round trip ticket for themselves and one companion.  I don’t think we will be stressing over driving in again!

First up was my blood draw.  I was very curious to see the difference from before my first treatment.  A half hour after the blood draw I met with my chemo oncologist.  Dr. Traina was very pleased — all my important numbers were higher (good) than before my first treatment, and everything was still within the normal range.  We talked about my minimal / lack of side effects and she was again very pleased and explained the ones I did have.  She also said that the slight hair loss on Monday and Tuesday would accelerate greatly after my treatment on Tuesday.  More on that subject later.  But I’d like to say that my hair has looked especially nice over the last week.  Here’s an awful selfie from Monday morning when I first noticed that my hair was starting to fall out.  I usually like getting compliments on my hair but each time someone said something about how nice my hair looked all I could think was “not for long”.

Two dear friends, Kelly and Melissa, had invited me to go with them to Lake Placid — they are both training for upcoming races and since I had to cancel my training camp this spring they planned a mid-week trip on their own.  I didn’t think I could make it since I had a chemo treatment scheduled for the Tuesday that we would be in Lake Placid.  I did have it on my list of questions to ask but Bryan jumped ahead of me and asked if it would be possible to switch my treatment from Tuesday to Thursday and she said absolutely no problem!  Those of you who know me personally also know how much I love spending time in Lake Placid.  So, I have a trip to Lake Placid coming up, the week after Memorial Day!  Not sure how much actual training I’ll be doing but easy swims, bikes, and walk/runs are in my future in the Adirondacks.  Any time spent there, even if I just sit by Mirror Lake, will definitely rejuvenate me!

We got the rest of my chemo treatments (the last four of Taxol) on the calendar.  If all goes as planned my last chemo will be August 15th.  Scheduling my 20 radiation treatments won’t happen till closer to August 15th, I’m to call and schedule an appointment with my radiation oncologist around the time of my 7th chemo treatment on August 1st.

I was called back while having an early lunch that they were ready for me so Bryan and I got ourselves back to Sloan as quickly as possible to get things going.  The sooner we start the sooner I’m done!  The treatment “suites” in NYC aren’t quite as nice as those at Sloan in Monmouth but then again, that facility is brand new.   Things perked up though when Christy from the Integrative Medicine Department came to see me.  She wanted to know if I would like a massage and/or guided relaxation when my treatment started.  I quickly said “yes!”  What a relaxing way to start the poison drip.  We talked a bit more after she was done.  I found out that they also offer acupuncture, yoga classes and more.  I’m definitely going to call about the acupuncture since I’m still having trouble sleeping through the night.  About an hour later the drip was done and we were on our way back to the Seastreak Ferry and headed home.

So, let’s get to the emotional part of this week — my hair!  As Bryan said, losing my hair has been the one thing that everyone has been definite about.  “You will lose all your hair and it will happen shortly after your second treatment.  The slight “shedding” from Monday and Tuesday turned into a full on shedding on Wednesday.  How and when to take the plunge and buzz it?  Well, I woke up this morning and very gently combed my hair, here’s what I came up with.   Went to the gym to work out (1-1/2 hours on the treadmill walking, 1 hour on the bike all told today.)  The shower after my workout yielded even more hair falling out after a very gentle shower, cream rinse and soft towel dry.  An easy comb and I came away with even more hair falling out.  And this had me crying in the locker room!  Fortunately, my locker neighbor, Maryann, showed up, heard me out and helped me move on.  I came home but could feel my head tingling and anytime I touched my head I came away with loose hairs.  And truthfully, my hair wasn’t looking so great today.  I tried to figure out for how many more days I could put up with this emotional turmoil and texted Christina at Depascal and told her what was going on.  She said to come into the shop in 20 minutes.   Bryan came with me and I brought myself a glass of wine.  Christina put on some rock music and got out the buzzer.  She cropped most of it pretty closely and left some “style” on the top.  We both know this won’t last more than a day or two.  And you know what — it is a huge relief to be one step closer to my hair taking a temporary vacation.

So, let’s see how this goes.  I’ve got two basic ideas for the scarves, and we will see what works with the hats.  So, the moment I have been dreading is here.  Most of my hair is gone and what’s left will be done over the next day or so.  If this is the worst problem I have to deal with throughout all of this I will be one very lucky person.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle in the short term.

I still think Daphne has me beat in her picture with the sweatshirt she gifted to me, but I’m getting there!

Chemo #2 of 8 coming up tomorrow.  How did everything go the last two weeks?  Pretty damn good, all things considered.  No nausea, so I’ve had no need to take the “as needed” medications.  No real “bone aches” from the Neulasta injection that stopped me from doing what I always do.  Some random unusual aches last week which started on Wednesday morning and happened again on Thursday and Friday morning but nothing that was not completely bearable.  My heart rate when working out is a solid 10 beats per minute higher than normal for the effort levels I’m putting out when swimming, biking or walking.  We’ve even thrown in a new piece of equipment, a stair climber.  It’s really hard!  So, I’ve scaled back my efforts and even stopped when necessary to keep my heart rate in what I would consider zone 1 efforts.  This is something I want to talk to my oncologist about tomorrow.  I don’t really have any other side effects to talk about except that I’m still having a hard time sleeping.

But, there is one other side effect creeping its way in — the hair on my head has started to fall out.   And that sucks.  It’s purely cosmetic, and I’m not a high maintenance person when it comes to hair and makeup.  I’m really not sure how I’m going to handle this — I have two options for wigs, a ton of scarves (that I haven’t started figuring out how to tie yet), and a ton of hats — baseball hats, running hats, trucker hats, straw hats, and even a cowboy hat!   I’m not sure how my 61-year-old face is going to go with a bald head, but we will find out soon enough I guess.

I keep obsessing over the calendar — how will the next 7 treatments go?  Will I stay on schedule?  When will my last chemo / Neulasta injection be?  How soon can radiation start?  Will it be three or four weeks in between?  When will radiation end?  And in between all that — will I be able to keep the few social commitments I have made?  Will I be able to go to Lake Placid for the race on July 23?  Not to race of course, but to cheer for my friend and training partner Ben, and all the other athletes racing.  Will I be able to go to Kona to spectate again this coming October?  And I know the answer to all those questions — there is none until the time comes.

I’m dreading tomorrow but also anxious to keep this show on the road.  It brings me one step closer to the end.

Part of the soundtrack of my life, and words that struck a deep cord in me this morning.  When U2’s song came up on my iPod today it really made me stop and say an internal thank you.  I realize how true this is on a daily basis and I am beyond grateful for all the friends and family that I have to support me at this point in my life.  Especially now,  when I really need it.  I feel like I keep using the word “grateful” so much lately, but it is a sincere and honest feeling.  I have an amazing family.  I have a few genuine friends.  I have a huge network of good acquaintances around the world.   And yes, I have cancer.  That sucks big time, but it just needs some really aggressive treatment to give myself the best shot of it not returning.

So, that brings me to the point of this post.  This Saturday I am taking part in a walk to support Mary’s Place By The Sea.  Very appropriate, since it’s two more weeks before I can run.  I was aware and had supported Mary’s Place before with some fundraising events.  But until I spent my first afternoon there as a woman with cancer, I didn’t truly appreciate how special Mary’s Place is.  Every woman should have an opportunity to have a shoulder to lean on in their journey through cancer.  And for many women, that’s the only shoulder they have.

And I have to admit, sometimes I feel guilty that I do have so much support — prayers, meals, cards, experiences, and so much more.  And other people have to worry about getting healthy and also have to worry about how they are going to pay the bills.  That could come for us one day but it’s not an issue at the moment.   And I have a feeling that all the messages of support — like this video from my Coeur Sports Team — will continue to carry me through an awful lot.

So, in my honor, in honor of the women in your life who have or may one day be touched by cancer, think about making a donation to our Jersey Girl StayStrong Multisport Club fundraiser in connection with the walk.

In the meanwhile, I made it through my first chemo and Neulasta injection with nothing that I can complain about.  Some strange “pains” yesterday and today but each time it happens I compare it to what I put myself through voluntarily in an Ironman or training or the like and it comes up empty.  I accept that it will change and that’s okay — I’m grateful for the two week reprieve.  My body is healing from surgery, in spite of the annoying incision under my arm.  And I’ve made so many new connections to women who have gone through or are going through something just like me.  And if you’d like a band to show your support please just send me your address and I will make sure it gets in the mail to you.

My phone rang this morning while I was having my coffee, I didn’t recognize the number but it was a Tampa exchange so I answered it.  Andrew Messick greeted me with “You know there are easier ways to get out of doing an Ironman!”  He is right of course. But, I’d so much rather have done the Boston Marathon or still be training for Eagleman and Lake Placid in July.   

I was really struggling earlier in the week. I have had more tests in the past few weeks than I have had in my entire life. The really hard part is each one shows everything is totally within the normal range of results.  Blood, lungs, heart –  all on the good to high end of normal.  This past Tuesday I had to sit in a chair and have an IV needle inserted into my arm and sit there for over an hour while poison was pumped into my body.  I was dreading it more than anything but also wanted to just get it started so I’d be that much closer to the finish line.  

Well, Tuesday afternoon came.  I am still in awe of the entire Memorial Sloan Kettering operation.  And even more in awe of the friends and family I am blessed to have.  My husband Bryan was with me.  Shortly after I was settled into my “chemo suite” my long time friend from masters swim, Kevin, showed up.  We had some laughs and more  and it kept both my husband and me from focusing on what was happing.  Before I knew it I was done and on my way home.  

Next up is the medicine I need to take, and the vitamins and supplements I can take in the hopes of keeping my system healthy and strong.  I’ve written out my “treatment plan” and I’m treating it like a training plan, as suggested by another dear friend, Kyrsten.  I don’t want anything to set this trains off the track it’s on.  

We are now a little over three days post-chemo and two days post-Neulasta injection.  I’m still holding my breathe a bit waiting for side effects but I haven’t had anything.  Yet. A bit of fatigue, a few headaches.  Neither are my norm.  And while I’d love to think this is the way things will stay this way after each treatment, I realize it’s unlikely.  

I’ve been told that my immune system is seriously compromised so I made the decision that hugs and kisses will have to wait for a while.  I hope everyone understands why and isn’t offended.   

I wonder if I can return as the competitive (old) athlete I’ve been ?  I wonder if I can qualify for Boston again?  What about qualifying for Kona again?  First and foremost is the need to come out on top in the day to day dealings with my disease. 

Round one done, seven more to go.  Six weeks post-surgery.  My new mantra, courtesy of Sister Madonna Buder:  

          “Let me do my best, and You do the rest.”